turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
