I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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