i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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