Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize