the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
