I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize