Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
