He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
