chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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