I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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