Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
