She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
