I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
