if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
