put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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