I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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