you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
