I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
