Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
