oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
