If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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