My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
