hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize