I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
