you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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