My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
