This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
