If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
