Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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