apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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