I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
