I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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