why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
