Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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