this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
