so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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