and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
