I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
