People in love make me want to vomit
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
