we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
