I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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