I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
try to milk me bitch
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