I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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