maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
