i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
