Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
