4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
