oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
