true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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