wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
