this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
