I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
