Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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