If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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