Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize