I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
