Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
