you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
