For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
