I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
